When you are on the edge of life, you have a choice – you might not see it but it is there. You might ask, how do I know that? You might wonder how a person with a constant smile could know anything about darkness, anything about suffering… But I do know, because once I was standing in the darkness, I was standing on that edge of life.
I didn’t have the tools or understanding that I have today. I was just sixteen and I had needed to face the hard lesson of impermanence of life. I had lost my first love to suicide. The pain that I felt was overwhelming; I didn’t think I can get through it. I felt that I was all alone in the endless darkness that was killing me inside. And it wasn’t killing me softly like Fugees sang, it was torturing me painfully with thoughts of “I should have…”
I just wanted to end the suffering. When I was ready to give up, there was luckily a little opening on my mind where a passing thought of my angel big brother appeared. It felt that I woke up from the trance of pain and realized what the consequences of my actions would be… I took a step back and chose life. I started to take wobbling steps on the path towards healing my heart.
My journey included many steps forward and sometimes many backwards as I was sabotaging my own life, but I kept going. I stumbled in the darkness. Love was like a swear word, I thought it could only cause pain. I was afraid of loving. I was afraid to get hurt again. But it was love that helped me to pull through this painful life lesson. Even though I might have not been able to love myself those days or accept love from my family and friends, I was truly able to open my heart to a cute puppy with a puffy belly. This special dog became my teacher and his unconditional love helped me to start filling the hole in my heart; I started to feel again, I started to love again, and I started to heal.
“It’s Darkness that teaches the Beauty of Light”. That saying is so true to me. During our first study weekend my whole being was filled with deep gratitude, when I was in the middle of amazing group of teachers and students in the University of Santa Monica. I’m so thankful for all my angels who helped me to get this far, and I know that the further I go the more I learn to shine Unconditional Love and Light to everyone in need, myself included.
Through this blog and my coaching I want to share what I have learnt on my path, I want to share with all of you the gold that I found from the darkness. As Rumi said “Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” No matter what you have gone through in this life; remember it is possible to heal; it is possible to learn to love again!
With Love & Light,